Dear Wine Kit Guy,

Which wine should I serve with my holiday dinner? My family does the full-pull with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, yams, Brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes, the whole shebang, and I need a wine to go with all of it! Help me Obi-Wan Kit-nobi, you're my only hope!

Turkey-Talking Princess

Dear TT Princess,

I’ve been asked this question hundreds of times in the last two decades, and this year is no exception. I have at least one meal like that during the solstice, and if your tradition is like mine, it’s a celebration of family, friends, astonishing amounts of food and a sort of coma-inducing festival of wretched excess that leaves people draped on sofas, propped in corners and gazing dully at professional sports on the television while kids run around burning off sugar highs while adults wonder if their top button can support one more wafer thin mint . . .

So I have the definitive answer you’re looking for: there’s no wine you can serve with that dinner, so don’t even bother trying.

It’s not that food and wine pairing fail us, it’s that the sheer variety of flavours and aromas inherent in the meal prevent any single wine, no matter how well chosen, from serving as a foil for sweet, sour, salty, savoury, fatty, acidic, creamy,vegetal, toasty, smoky, earthy, crisp, tart, and bland foods all in one go. And that’s just the traditional meal: I’ve spatchcocked a turkey and rubbed it with lime, chilies and achiote and roasted it over mesquite, I’ve deep fried one, curried one, done one with Mexican mole sauce, I’ve had geese, Pheasants, an ostrich haunch, whole roast pigs and one memorable year fourteen kinds of grilled kebabs and twenty sauces to go with (what can I say, I like any excuse for a feast) and even did Peking duck (much, much harder than it looks).

So, whaddya do? You could throw up your hands in despair (always good exercise for the shoulders and triceps) and just serve sparkling wine. Nothing goes with everything like bubbly, the secret being that it’s both highly acidic (much tarter than regular white or pink wine) and almost always has significant residual sugar—even ‘brut’ champagne is rather on the sweet side from being dosed with sugar syrup at bottling. Problem solved!

On the other hand, sparkling wine never seems to work well with turkey gravy or earthy green vegetables like Brussels sprouts.

(Don’t like Brussels sprouts? Somebody probably punished you with mushy, boiled ones, the worst thing you can do to a heavenly cruciferous brassica like that . Instead, dice up some bacon and fry it into crispy deliciousness. Remove it from the pan, leave the Grease of the Gods in, and add thinly sliced sprouts. I usually do a chiffonade, which is super-thin, so they cook down easily. Cook until completely soft, add a boatload of crushed garlic and season to taste—takes a bit more salt than you might think, so keep tasting. At the last minute, turn the heat up a wee bit to brown the edges, but DO NOT burn them. Serve garnished with the bacon bits, nom nom nom!)

Nor does most sparkling wine favour cranberry sauce, or sweet yams—too much sugar makes it seem sour.

Here’here's your strategy: serve more wine (yes, yes, I say this all the time. It’s good advice). You’ll need some flexible, tasty whites, pinks and reds to cover the spectrum of flavours on your table. For whites I’d recommend a crispy-fruity—and completely dry—Sauvignon Blanc, an equally fruity but perhaps slightly less dry Chenin Blanc or Viognier, an off-dry Riesling (one or two percent residual sugar is perfect) and a pink wine if you’ve got one, but not White Zinfandel—that stuff is too sweet for anything except dessert

For reds, a Bergamais (Beaujolais style) is light enough, yet has some tannin and decent fruit for a wide range, Pinot Noir can fill that role but beware either fruit-bomb versions or too much alcohol and tannin—look for balance and delicacy—Tempranillo is heartier, but mellow and the fruit is more restrained and works surprisingly well with roasted birds, a Grenache/Syrah/Mourvedre/etc blend like Vieux Chateau du Roi is infinitely flexible and usually easy to drink.

Of course, for afters you’ll need Port, Sherry and probably Icewine-style to coverall situations.

If you don't have all of these choices in your cellar, don’t throw your hands up in despair (because by now your shoulders and triceps will need a rest). Instead, just choose any number of wines that you enjoy drinking, open ‘em up and put them on the table. Chances are your guests will chomp and guzzle and nosh and swill without batting an eyelash at your choices—really, good food, good company, the spirit of the season as it moves you and a nice glass of wine will put any guest in the right frame of mind for wassailing, or torpor for that matter.